How to Communicate About Finances After Divorce

One of the hardest adjustments after divorce is learning to communicate with your ex about money. You’re used to shared finances, joint decisions, maybe even arguments about spending. Now you need a completely different approach.

The good news? With the right strategies, financial communication can become one of the smoothest parts of your co-parenting relationship.

Choose Your Channel Wisely

Not all communication channels are equal:

Text/Messaging:

Good for: Quick updates, simple questions, sharing receipts
Bad for: Complex discussions, emotional topics, anything requiring nuance

Email:

Good for: Detailed information, creating a paper trail, non-urgent matters
Bad for: Time-sensitive issues, ongoing back-and-forth

Phone/Video:

Good for: Complex discussions, clearing up misunderstandings, annual planning
Bad for: Heated moments, documentation needs

In-Person:

Good for: Major financial planning, when kids aren’t present
Bad for: High-conflict situations, anything you might need records of

Match the channel to the conversation.

The BIFF Method

Developed by Bill Eddy for high-conflict communication, BIFF stands for:

Brief — Keep it short. Don’t ramble or over-explain.
Informative — Stick to facts and necessary information.
Friendly — Be polite, even if you don’t feel like it.
Firm — Be clear about what you need. Don’t leave room for misinterpretation.

Example of a BIFF message:

“Hi, [Name]. Soccer registration is due Friday. The cost is $175. Let me know if you can send your half by Thursday so I can submit it on time. Thanks!”

No drama. No history. Just what’s needed.

Separate the Past from the Present

It’s tempting to bring up past financial grievances:

“You always spent too much on…”
“If you hadn’t wasted money on…”
“Back when we were married, you…”

Stop. These conversations go nowhere productive. The only financial discussions that matter now are about current and future expenses for your children.

If you catch yourself about to reference the past, pause and ask: “Is this relevant to the specific expense we’re discussing right now?”

Use a Shared System

So much financial conflict comes from different information:

“I already paid for that.”
“You never told me about that expense.”
“That’s not what my records show.”

A shared expense tracking system eliminates these arguments. Both parents see the same transactions, the same totals, the same history. There’s nothing to dispute.

Schedule Regular Check-Ins

Rather than constant back-and-forth, try scheduling monthly or quarterly financial check-ins:

Review shared expenses for the period
Discuss upcoming known costs
Settle any outstanding balance
Address any concerns

This contains financial discussions to specific times rather than letting them bleed into every interaction.

What to Do When It Gets Heated

Even with the best intentions, financial conversations can get emotional. When that happens:

Pause — “Let me think about this and get back to you.”
Write, don’t speak — It’s easier to stay calm in writing.
Focus on the child — “What does [child’s name] need right now?”
Get help — A mediator, therapist, or co-parenting coordinator can help with recurring conflicts.

It’s okay to step away from a conversation that’s becoming unproductive.

Document Important Agreements

When you agree on something significant, document it:

Screenshot the text exchange
Send a follow-up email summarizing what was agreed
Note it in your shared expense system

This isn’t about distrust. It’s about having clear records so neither parent has to rely on memory months later.

Assume Good Intent

This is hard, especially early on. But most of the time, your co-parent is not trying to cheat you or make your life difficult. They’re:

Busy and forgot to mention something
Confused about the same thing you’re confused about
Trying to do what’s best for the kids, just like you

Assuming good intent changes how you phrase things:

Instead of: “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
Try: “I didn’t see this expense — can you fill me in?”

Know When to Let It Go

Not every financial disagreement is worth fighting over. Ask yourself:

How much money are we actually talking about?
Will this matter in a year?
Is this about the money or about something else?
What’s the cost of continuing this argument?

Sometimes accepting an imperfect outcome is better than a perfect victory that damages your co-parenting relationship.

The Long Game

Your financial communication with your co-parent will evolve over years. Kids grow, circumstances change, and — ideally — trust builds over time.

The investment you make now in healthy communication patterns pays dividends later. When your child needs braces, or a car, or college tuition, you’ll be glad you built a foundation of functional financial discussions.

SplitMinder removes the friction from co-parenting finances so you can communicate about what matters. See how it works.